Stop Trying to “Catch” Cheaters

Infidelity is more often a structural problem, not a moral one.

The next time you think your partner is cheating — before you suddenly begin disparaging their character, feeling insecure about yourself, or blaming any number of unseen “others” who you may believe are suddenly threats to you and your relationship — I want you to take a deep breath and think about the structure of your relationship itself and whether it’s currently capable of meeting the needs of both you and your partner.

I’ve been an online dating consultant since 2011 and have assisted thousands of individuals with all stages of dating and relationships, and in all my years of consulting, I’ve consistently found that cheating arises not so much from the moral or ethical failings of the individuals in the relationship, but instead from the structure of the relationship itself and the unspoken assumptions baked into that relationship model. It’s high time that we begin putting words to some of those assumptions.

First thing’s first: let’s unpack the terminology around “catching cheaters.” It’s hard to realistically accuse someone of cheating when together you’ve created a relationship that almost by design fails to meet your or your partner’s needs. Cheating can only exist in response to relationship design. If you aren’t in a…